Steps to become a Wizard

1) Buy a large cauldron. Preferably the size you can boil children in.

2) Get your essentials and ingredients. I read that some type of eyeball works well. Eye of Newt is preferred but acceptable eyes include: Other lizard-like animals, reindeer, eyes of pricks, cunts, and one-eyed gypsies (the more hideous and disfigured the gypsy, the more potent the eye).

You'll also need: -A saw

-A ritualistic blade with a dragon on it

-Pubic hair from an evil scrotum (rare.)

-Pepper, for taste.

-A large sack with a skull and crossbones on it

-A cloak

-An egg timer... with a skull and crossbones on it.

3) You'll need a lair. The best ones are in caves. But what they don't tell you in the manual is about all the bat shit you'll be dealing with. So choose: Don't be a wizard.. Or BE a wizard, and be up to your neck in guano. Don't have magical abilities, or HAVE magical abilities and wreak of bat shit for the rest of your carefree, wizardly life. Weigh it out and read on.

4) Some type of big fire is essential to dance around. Dancing naked works but with the cloak is more wizardly. Don't prace, dance maniacally. There's a fine line. You're a wizard, not a fairy. Also remember to scream obscenities and nonsensical jargon into the sky. Cut yourself.

5) Drive around in a big white van and scoop up unaccompanied children. Your van should say: "NOT A WIZARD VAN" in big black letters to throw off the town-folk. Scoop terrified children into your Skull and Crossbones sack while screaming incoherent words. Once you have acquired enough children (10-15), boil them in the cauldron adding ingredients of your choice. Use the other items/weapons you have acquired at your leisure.

6) Bathe in the blood of the innocent. Wear their skin. Let their skin transform you into a world where their skin is your "key".

7) You're a wizard.

7.5) And a criminal.

-b

Subway story

So I'm at the 59th street station, waiting for the 'C' train, and a man approaches me.

He points toward the staircase next to us and says " '1' train? Uptown?"

I look at the staircase and notice a giant sign above it that says " (1) UPTOWN"

I reply: "Yeah, that's what it says up there." Not in a rude manner, but more of a polite "are you blind?" kind of tone.

The man says: "Ok, thanks.... I'm blind."

This happened, I swear.

-b

To Catch a Predator

Top 'To Catch a Predator' Quotes

7) Chris Hansen: "Why don't you have a seat right there. What're you doing here?"

6) Predators: "This is my first time."

5) Chris Hansen: "And how old did she say she was?

Predators: "She told me she was 18."

Chris Hansen: "Ok well... I have the chat log right here. So I think now is the time to starting telling the truth."

4) Predators: "So... I'm free to go?"

Chris Hansen: "That's right. The front door is right there."

(Predator exits)

"LAPD!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!"

3) Predators: "I wasn't going to do anything!"

Chris Hansen to totally naked predators: "Do you see why that's hard to believe?"

2) Predator: "I think it would be the cleanest, best pleasure."

Chris Hansen: "Having sex with a 14 year old girl?"

Predator: "...Yes sir."

1) Predators: "It must have been someone else using my screenname."

Chris Hansen: "Mmmhmm. So someone else using your computer had this graphic chat and sent these graphic pictures to a 13 year-old girl?"

Predators: "Yeah."

Chris Hansen: "Then why are YOU the one sitting here in front of me?"

Predators: "..."

I fucking love this show.

-b

Random Thoughts

Got a couple:

What's the deal with Chinese take out bills? Have you ever ordered Chinese food with a friend and paid for it yourself with the intentions of sorting out the money later? Cause I have. And it's ridiculous! It's all in chinese! How the fuck am I supposed to know which symbol means: Chicken with Broccoli? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.

I'd like to give Steve a bunch of credit on this next one.

It seems to me like Visine should really embrace a significant portion of their customers. Potheads. Why am I standing in CVS for 10 minutes trying to figure out which Visine product will diminish my stoner eyes? Let's see there's Visine - Original, Visine - AC, Visine - Tears... why can't they just have "Visine - Pothead". I mean, at least then I'd know I'm buying the right shit. I'm thinking of creating my very own line of drug-use concealing products. "Mega Drug Drops." I can have everything from "Mega Drug Drops - Marijuana" to "Mega Drug Drops - Methamphetamines" and "Ultra Mega Drug Drops - Crack Edition".

It's not a huge secret when I'm Duane Reade buying Visine, Febreeze, and the biggest bag of gummi bears they sell there. I'd have no reservations about placing a bright green "Visine - POTHEAD" on the counter with a stupid grin.

Do you know how much Space Junk is just out there floating around the Earth? A shit-ton. It's all just floating out there, orbiting in a big ring around the Earth at around 50,000 mph. It's debris from space launches, satellites, pretty much all the crap we've sent up there. Yes it's insanely dangerous to astronauts.

So now that you know this, don't you wish some of it would just fall down and crush something owned by someone you hate? I would feel no remorse if I learned that a huge fucking hunk of metal from a 1970's rocket landed on Paris Hilton's giant house. I genuinely don't want anyone to be injured, but how awesome would that be? Stupid Paris Hilton is just coming home to her stupid whore house somewhere, with all her stupid whore friends and stupid whore luxuries... and a giant fucking hunk of careening metal blazes down from the sky and slams into her multi-million dollar house turning the whole thing into a giant flaming crater of inferno. I want her to watch it happen.

She'd scream: "WHY???!"

and you'd know why.

-b

Thank you

First I would like to thank all those who have hounded me for more blog postings. It's appreciated and I don't want to let you down.

That leads me into my question... Where are all the "Thank you's" nowadays?

I'd like to say my parents raised me to be polite and a gentleman, but I don't think that's the case. They did a fine job but I never remember having "Always say please!" and "What do you say..?" ingrained in my brain while I was growing up. I'm polite because it's decent, and I'm only half a gentleman.

So what the fuck? When I hold the door for someone and they say "Thank you.", it makes me think "Now there's a nice person. Recognized I was doing something nice and acknowledged it." But then there's the important business guy, who has people open doors for him all the time I'm sure, walking into 711. I hold the door and he doesn't give a shit. No thank you. No head nod. Motherfucker. It's then I think: "I hate that guy. He's a prick, has way too much money, and gets way too much pussy. I hope he gets abducted, dropped in an African jungle and torn to shreds by rabid jaguars." True story.

If it stopped there, I wouldn't be so concerned. Homeless people. I'm one of the few people who's either decent enough, or too much of a sucker not to give to certain people. Not receiving gratitude from them is very damaging to my sense of humanity as well infuriating.

ACT I

It's a cold December morning. I'm walking to the bus stop enjoying a morning "stizz."

Enter homeless man 'A'.:

"Got a cigarette?"

"Yeah sure man."

(Balter reaches for cigarettes, removes one and holds it out.)

"Pretty cold out he..."

And before I could finish my sentence, he's gone. Snatched the cigarette out of my hand and swooshed by me in a blur of assholishness. No thank you. No: "Have a splendid day, kind sir!! You're a gentleman and a scholar!" He almost took my fucking hand with him. I know he's homeless, so no rabid jaguars, but what a bum.

End Scene.

ACT II

A crowded taco bell. Work day. Lunch time.

Enter homeless man 'B':

"Got some change?"

I realized I really didn't, although I don't know if I would have actually given it to this guy. I had dumped my coins in the tip jar and only had 20's.

"Nah man, I'm sorry. How about a cigarette?"

The look he gave me.

"What the HELL am I going to do with that??"

Holy shit. Call me crazy but I thought all homeless guys smoked. I was speechless. I regret not saying "SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!!! DIE! DIE! DIE!!!". You know, a "No thank you" would have been nice.

Suffice to say I only give out cigarettes to people who offer to buy them now. And no, I don't take their money.

And another one involving cigarettes just today. A dude comes over to the smokers outside the office today. Some who don't work for the lab. He approaches all of us, and gives a: "Heyo, anybody got a cigarette?" Everyone looks at each other and finally one nice guy pulls out a cig for the man. "Yo this a Camel? I don't smoke that shit! Those are terrible!! ..Anybody else?"

It should go without saying that there was no one else. I half-wished that someone would have pushed a piano out of a window at that exact moment, crushing every bone in this man's body.

Too much?

-b

Bullshit

Hate

Just real quick:

-I hate women who think it's ok to breast-feed in public. Your child is not going to starve, and your baby is ugly anyway.

-I loathe people who need to rush into the fucking subway cars before they let people out.

-I despise really muscular, jocky douchebags. I could be really jacked too if I wasn't smoking and masturbating all the time.

-I detest bikers who think that the laws of traffic don't apply to them.

-I abhor being ID'd for NyQuil and Playing cards. What do they think I'm going to do with them? Gamble until I'm naked, penniless and running through the streets tripping on cough medicine? And that's ok if I'm over 18?

-I am disgusted by people who can't seem to figure out escalators work on the system of "Stand right" - "Walk left". When I miss the train by mere seconds because I was stuck behind some self-absorbed RETARD, I just want to rip out my fucking hair and throw myself onto the tracks to be eaten by rats.

Thanks for your time.

-b