Random Thoughts

Got a couple:

What's the deal with Chinese take out bills? Have you ever ordered Chinese food with a friend and paid for it yourself with the intentions of sorting out the money later? Cause I have. And it's ridiculous! It's all in chinese! How the fuck am I supposed to know which symbol means: Chicken with Broccoli? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.

I'd like to give Steve a bunch of credit on this next one.

It seems to me like Visine should really embrace a significant portion of their customers. Potheads. Why am I standing in CVS for 10 minutes trying to figure out which Visine product will diminish my stoner eyes? Let's see there's Visine - Original, Visine - AC, Visine - Tears... why can't they just have "Visine - Pothead". I mean, at least then I'd know I'm buying the right shit. I'm thinking of creating my very own line of drug-use concealing products. "Mega Drug Drops." I can have everything from "Mega Drug Drops - Marijuana" to "Mega Drug Drops - Methamphetamines" and "Ultra Mega Drug Drops - Crack Edition".

It's not a huge secret when I'm Duane Reade buying Visine, Febreeze, and the biggest bag of gummi bears they sell there. I'd have no reservations about placing a bright green "Visine - POTHEAD" on the counter with a stupid grin.

Do you know how much Space Junk is just out there floating around the Earth? A shit-ton. It's all just floating out there, orbiting in a big ring around the Earth at around 50,000 mph. It's debris from space launches, satellites, pretty much all the crap we've sent up there. Yes it's insanely dangerous to astronauts.

So now that you know this, don't you wish some of it would just fall down and crush something owned by someone you hate? I would feel no remorse if I learned that a huge fucking hunk of metal from a 1970's rocket landed on Paris Hilton's giant house. I genuinely don't want anyone to be injured, but how awesome would that be? Stupid Paris Hilton is just coming home to her stupid whore house somewhere, with all her stupid whore friends and stupid whore luxuries... and a giant fucking hunk of careening metal blazes down from the sky and slams into her multi-million dollar house turning the whole thing into a giant flaming crater of inferno. I want her to watch it happen.

She'd scream: "WHY???!"

and you'd know why.

-b

Thank you

First I would like to thank all those who have hounded me for more blog postings. It's appreciated and I don't want to let you down.

That leads me into my question... Where are all the "Thank you's" nowadays?

I'd like to say my parents raised me to be polite and a gentleman, but I don't think that's the case. They did a fine job but I never remember having "Always say please!" and "What do you say..?" ingrained in my brain while I was growing up. I'm polite because it's decent, and I'm only half a gentleman.

So what the fuck? When I hold the door for someone and they say "Thank you.", it makes me think "Now there's a nice person. Recognized I was doing something nice and acknowledged it." But then there's the important business guy, who has people open doors for him all the time I'm sure, walking into 711. I hold the door and he doesn't give a shit. No thank you. No head nod. Motherfucker. It's then I think: "I hate that guy. He's a prick, has way too much money, and gets way too much pussy. I hope he gets abducted, dropped in an African jungle and torn to shreds by rabid jaguars." True story.

If it stopped there, I wouldn't be so concerned. Homeless people. I'm one of the few people who's either decent enough, or too much of a sucker not to give to certain people. Not receiving gratitude from them is very damaging to my sense of humanity as well infuriating.

ACT I

It's a cold December morning. I'm walking to the bus stop enjoying a morning "stizz."

Enter homeless man 'A'.:

"Got a cigarette?"

"Yeah sure man."

(Balter reaches for cigarettes, removes one and holds it out.)

"Pretty cold out he..."

And before I could finish my sentence, he's gone. Snatched the cigarette out of my hand and swooshed by me in a blur of assholishness. No thank you. No: "Have a splendid day, kind sir!! You're a gentleman and a scholar!" He almost took my fucking hand with him. I know he's homeless, so no rabid jaguars, but what a bum.

End Scene.

ACT II

A crowded taco bell. Work day. Lunch time.

Enter homeless man 'B':

"Got some change?"

I realized I really didn't, although I don't know if I would have actually given it to this guy. I had dumped my coins in the tip jar and only had 20's.

"Nah man, I'm sorry. How about a cigarette?"

The look he gave me.

"What the HELL am I going to do with that??"

Holy shit. Call me crazy but I thought all homeless guys smoked. I was speechless. I regret not saying "SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!!! DIE! DIE! DIE!!!". You know, a "No thank you" would have been nice.

Suffice to say I only give out cigarettes to people who offer to buy them now. And no, I don't take their money.

And another one involving cigarettes just today. A dude comes over to the smokers outside the office today. Some who don't work for the lab. He approaches all of us, and gives a: "Heyo, anybody got a cigarette?" Everyone looks at each other and finally one nice guy pulls out a cig for the man. "Yo this a Camel? I don't smoke that shit! Those are terrible!! ..Anybody else?"

It should go without saying that there was no one else. I half-wished that someone would have pushed a piano out of a window at that exact moment, crushing every bone in this man's body.

Too much?

-b