Steps to become a Wizard

1) Buy a large cauldron. Preferably the size you can boil children in.

2) Get your essentials and ingredients. I read that some type of eyeball works well. Eye of Newt is preferred but acceptable eyes include: Other lizard-like animals, reindeer, eyes of pricks, cunts, and one-eyed gypsies (the more hideous and disfigured the gypsy, the more potent the eye).

You'll also need: -A saw

-A ritualistic blade with a dragon on it

-Pubic hair from an evil scrotum (rare.)

-Pepper, for taste.

-A large sack with a skull and crossbones on it

-A cloak

-An egg timer... with a skull and crossbones on it.

3) You'll need a lair. The best ones are in caves. But what they don't tell you in the manual is about all the bat shit you'll be dealing with. So choose: Don't be a wizard.. Or BE a wizard, and be up to your neck in guano. Don't have magical abilities, or HAVE magical abilities and wreak of bat shit for the rest of your carefree, wizardly life. Weigh it out and read on.

4) Some type of big fire is essential to dance around. Dancing naked works but with the cloak is more wizardly. Don't prace, dance maniacally. There's a fine line. You're a wizard, not a fairy. Also remember to scream obscenities and nonsensical jargon into the sky. Cut yourself.

5) Drive around in a big white van and scoop up unaccompanied children. Your van should say: "NOT A WIZARD VAN" in big black letters to throw off the town-folk. Scoop terrified children into your Skull and Crossbones sack while screaming incoherent words. Once you have acquired enough children (10-15), boil them in the cauldron adding ingredients of your choice. Use the other items/weapons you have acquired at your leisure.

6) Bathe in the blood of the innocent. Wear their skin. Let their skin transform you into a world where their skin is your "key".

7) You're a wizard.

7.5) And a criminal.

-b

Subway story

So I'm at the 59th street station, waiting for the 'C' train, and a man approaches me.

He points toward the staircase next to us and says " '1' train? Uptown?"

I look at the staircase and notice a giant sign above it that says " (1) UPTOWN"

I reply: "Yeah, that's what it says up there." Not in a rude manner, but more of a polite "are you blind?" kind of tone.

The man says: "Ok, thanks.... I'm blind."

This happened, I swear.

-b

To Catch a Predator

Top 'To Catch a Predator' Quotes

7) Chris Hansen: "Why don't you have a seat right there. What're you doing here?"

6) Predators: "This is my first time."

5) Chris Hansen: "And how old did she say she was?

Predators: "She told me she was 18."

Chris Hansen: "Ok well... I have the chat log right here. So I think now is the time to starting telling the truth."

4) Predators: "So... I'm free to go?"

Chris Hansen: "That's right. The front door is right there."

(Predator exits)

"LAPD!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!"

3) Predators: "I wasn't going to do anything!"

Chris Hansen to totally naked predators: "Do you see why that's hard to believe?"

2) Predator: "I think it would be the cleanest, best pleasure."

Chris Hansen: "Having sex with a 14 year old girl?"

Predator: "...Yes sir."

1) Predators: "It must have been someone else using my screenname."

Chris Hansen: "Mmmhmm. So someone else using your computer had this graphic chat and sent these graphic pictures to a 13 year-old girl?"

Predators: "Yeah."

Chris Hansen: "Then why are YOU the one sitting here in front of me?"

Predators: "..."

I fucking love this show.

-b