2) Get your essentials and ingredients. I read that some type of eyeball works well. Eye of Newt is preferred but acceptable eyes include: Other lizard-like animals, reindeer, eyes of pricks, cunts, and one-eyed gypsies (the more hideous and disfigured the gypsy, the more potent the eye).
You'll also need: -A saw
-A ritualistic blade with a dragon on it
-Pubic hair from an evil scrotum (rare.)
-Pepper, for taste.
-A large sack with a skull and crossbones on it
-A cloak
-An egg timer... with a skull and crossbones on it.
3) You'll need a lair. The best ones are in caves. But what they don't tell you in the manual is about all the bat shit you'll be dealing with. So choose: Don't be a wizard.. Or BE a wizard, and be up to your neck in guano. Don't have magical abilities, or HAVE magical abilities and wreak of bat shit for the rest of your carefree, wizardly life. Weigh it out and read on.
4) Some type of big fire is essential to dance around. Dancing naked works but with the cloak is more wizardly. Don't prace, dance maniacally. There's a fine line. You're a wizard, not a fairy. Also remember to scream obscenities and nonsensical jargon into the sky. Cut yourself.
5) Drive around in a big white van and scoop up unaccompanied children. Your van should say: "NOT A WIZARD VAN" in big black letters to throw off the town-folk. Scoop terrified children into your Skull and Crossbones sack while screaming incoherent words. Once you have acquired enough children (10-15), boil them in the cauldron adding ingredients of your choice. Use the other items/weapons you have acquired at your leisure.
6) Bathe in the blood of the innocent. Wear their skin. Let their skin transform you into a world where their skin is your "key".
7) You're a wizard.
7.5) And a criminal.
-b
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